Undethklok
by AgentKaz
Summary: What happens when a crazy fan gets too close? Hamburger time, that's what. M for violence and gore and the like. It's got zombies!
1. Almost Dead

NOTE!: Hey guys, been a long time. What the hell am I doing writing a new story when I haven't finished my old ones? Selective writers' block, apparently. Sorry. I'll finish the old ones eventually. Anyways, fangs (geddit? Cuz I'm funny?) to everyone who ever reads what I put down on here, even if you don't like it. I appreciate it. I really do. Gimme some reviews so I knows how I did, okay? Anyhoo! On with the show~

* * *

Dethklok played a brutal show, everyone agreed. Sure, there were plenty of deaths, but there always were, and it was brutal. Brutal was good.

The band was hanging out backstage for a little while, but they were nearly done. Nathan wiped his makeup off on a towel and threw it at Murderface. "Okay, I think we're done here," he said.

Just as he said that, a figure came into view. "Oh jeez," Pickles said. "Crazed fan alert." He looked at the person who had just showed up. "What d'you want, kid?" he asked.

The kid stumbled towards them, groaning, mouth gaping.

"I thinks it's some kinds of retards," Skwisgaar said.

"Aw shit, that means we gotta be nice to it," Nathan said. He glared at the kid. "Uh… hi… guy," he said. "You're getting a little too close there… what the FUCK?!" he yelled. He stared at the kid in disbelief. His cheek hurt like a motherfucker and the kid was just standing there with his mouth all bloody.

"Dids you see thats?" Toki said. "The retards bit Nathans! Wowee!" He blinked. "Oh, hey, it's comings this ways." Then he screamed as the kid bit into his arm. "No! That's not funnys!"

"Well, somebody kill the damn thing!" Pickles said, pushing Skwisgaar in the kid's general direction.

"Stops that!" Skwisgaar said, but he was already in motion and fell near the hungry kid. "Oh, shits," he said. "I hates you, Pickle," he said as the kid dug into the flesh near the base of his neck.

Murderface started running towards the kid, knife in hand, but Pickles was running too. Pickles tripped over Murderface's foot, twisted in mid fall, and landed butt-first on the kid's face. "Shit," he said. "This won't end well." He tried to stand up, but the kid started gnawing on his ass cheek.

"That'sh enough!" Murderface said, pushing Pickles away from the kid. He pinned the kid down and started stabbing him in the chest repeatedly. The kid groaned and managed to get up and bite Murderface in the leg. Murderface promptly stood up and started stomping on the kid's head with the uninjured one.

When the kid's head was reduced to a gory pulp, Murderface stepped back. Nathan stood up. "What the hell was that?" he said, gritting his teeth, which were also visible through the bloody hole in his cheek. "What the HELL was THAT?" He clenched his fists.

"Zombies, dude," Pickles said, twisting around, trying to inspect his butt. "Kid had to be a zombie. Damn retarded dead guys, come around and chomp on ya. He got my butt. That sucks."

"Well, that'sh jusht great! Sho what now?" Murderface asked with a sneer.

Pickles shrugged. "Ask the robot, I guess," he said. "He'll probably know something. He is the robot."

* * *

"Okay, what happened?" Charles asked.

"A retards bites us and it hurts," Toki said. "Look. There's bloods all over me. It's brutal." He made a face. "No, it sucks and I hates it."

"Stops beings a baby, Tokis," Skwisgaar said.

"Fucks you, Skwisgaars," Toki said.

"I need new pants," Pickles said, and left to go grab some.

"I don't think I'm quite getting what happened here," Charles said. "Someone… bit you?"

Nathan stared. "Uh, yeah."

"Yeah, it was a zombie," Pickles said, returning clad in an intact pair of pants, although blood was seeping through the back on the left side. "They're the ones who just start chompin' ya."

"Whats about vampires?" Toki said, waving his uninjured arm around. "They bites ya too!"

"No, they got fangsh," Murderface said, crossing his arms. "Wait, who caresh, anyway? We're fucking bleeding!"

"Uh, guys? I'm gonna hur—" Nathan started, then started to puke blood. The others followed suit.

"Wowee!" Toki said. "Blood puke time fives! That's one that should also bes a songs." He nodded and wiped his face with the back of his hand.

"That's it," Charles said, looking at his blood puke-covered shoes. "You're all going to the doctor."

* * *

"This is fascinating!" said the new doctor, a rather nondescript 30-something man in a white lab coat. "I've never seen anything like this before!"

Nathan glared at the doctor. "Just tell us what's going to happen!" he said.

The doctor cringed. "Well, it seems that who or whatever bit you has… infected you somehow."

Murderface stared at the doctor. "Well, that'sh jusht great! Tell ush how to fix it!"

"You… uh… you don't," the doctor said. "You're all going to die."

The room fell silent.

"Um… sorry," the doctor said.

"I don'ts want to hamburger time!" Toki said, eyes wide.

"You… uh… you can't fix it?" Pickles said.

"Dildo," Skwisgaar muttered.

"Sorry!" the doctor said. "We just can't. We don't know what this is; it's never been studied before. But… uh… well, you're going to have to be quarantined. We can't risk you spreading the infection. Sorry."

Despite their protests, the members of Dethklok ended up shut in an empty white room.

"Shit," Nathan said, glaring at the blindingly white wall.

Toki curled up on the floor and closed his eyes. "I'm going to sleeps," he said. "Then I don't haves to know when I hamburger times."

"That ams not brutal," Skwisgaar said.

"I don't cares anymore," Toki mumbled. "Not about anythings."

"Actually, that's pretty brutal," Pickles said, leaning on the wall, careful not to let his butt touch the wall. "Not caring. Wish I could not care about my butt so I could sit, but it's killing me."

"Idea for the last song that won't actually happen," Nathan said, pretending to speak into an imaginary tape recorder. "White… quarantine… death. Yeah." He groaned. "How long we got?"

"I don't know!" Murderface said. "They didn't call me up and tell me!"

Nathan sighed and sat down on the floor. He stared at the wall opposite him and waited.


	2. Dead is the New Alive

NOTE TIME!: Thanks everyone for reading and the hits and the this and the that! Definitely appreciating that. Keep it rollin'. Remember, tell me how I did so I can improve! Also: sorry for not getting into too much detail with the accents. I'm trying keep it legible. I like things to be legible. Use your imagination, douchebags! Ha ha. Right. CONTINUING ON…

* * *

After what seemed like forever in the quarantine room (although actually it was only about a half hour), Toki seemed to have stopped breathing.

"Guys, I think Toki's dead," Nathan said. He crawled over and poked Toki in the shoulder. "Hey! Hey Toki! You dead?"

"Stops pokes me, Nathans," Toki mumbled, opening one eye. He groaned. "Just lets me die." He closed his eye again, curled up, and sighed.

Pickles looked up. "Hey, guys, shut up. You hear that?"

"I don't hear anything!" Murderface said.

"Exactly!" Pickles said. "Nothing! Like… no breathing? At all?"

Everyone turned to stare at him, except for Toki, who was still curled up on the floor in the fetal position with his eyes squeezed shut.

"You mean… we're already dead?" Nathan said.

"Yeah!" Pickles said. "Told you it was a zombie."

"Sho… are we shupposed to go eat brainsh now?" Murderface asked, a contemplative look on his face. He shrugged. "That'sh brutal."

Toki opened his eyes and sat up. "We're already deads?" he asked. "So I did sleeps through it? All rights!"

"So, uh… where the hell are we gonna get brains?" Nathan asked. "I'm hungry."

"Yeah, me too," Pickles said. "But at least my butt don't hurt."

"Yeah, my arms isn't hurting eithers!" Toki said, standing up. "But I need foods. Right nows." He looked down towards his stomach. "It says, 'Tokis, feeds me.'" He frowned.

"We can't do anything if we're shtuck in here!" Murderface said. "Remember?"

Nathan slowly walked over to the door and stared at it. There wasn't a knob on it. He pushed on it experimentally and it swung open.

"That was convenienceds," Skwisgaar said, raising an eyebrow. "But I won't questions it."

They left the quarantine room to find themselves back in the doctor's empty, darkened office. "Guess he left," Nathan said.

"So he leaves us to die and goes offs to eats lunch?" Toki said. "That's brutals."

"We could eat him, when he comesh back," Murderface said, crossing his arms. "He desherves it. Letting us die. Should've tried to shave us. We're important!"

"Yeah, let's eat 'im," Pickles said. "That'd work. We gonna wait for him to come back or go find him or what?"

"Yeah, I guess we'll wait for him," Nathan said. He looked around. "Y'know… he wan't really big or anything. Not much meat…"

"There won'ts be enough of hims to go arounds," Skwisgaar said. "Fives of us, ones of hims."

"Yeah…" Nathan said.

"I should get him 'caushe I killed that zombie kid!" Murderface said.

"Yeah, sure, _after _he bit all of us!" Pickles said. "I should get 'im 'cause I got butt trauma!" He glared at everyone. "Nobody should have to go through that. Nobody. There is an entire chunk of my butt missing." He made a face. "An entire chunk."

"I ams the fastest guitarists. I should gets him," Skwisgaar said.

"Can'ts I just get the legs or somethings?" Toki asked. "I'll shares."

"This ams dildos," Skwisgaar said. "We can'ts shares!"

"We'll find more people when we're done with him. We can share him for… I dunno, something brutal," Nathan said. "Remember? We're a team. A band. Whatever." He held up his imaginary tape recorder. "Zombie band. Soli… solidarity. Something like that. Zombieklok. Undethklok."

Suddenly, they heard a creaking as the door started to open. Light filled the room as the doctor flipped on the light switch, sandwich in hand. His eyes widened when he saw the band standing there, and he dropped his sandwich. "How… how did you all get out?" he asked.

"Door was open," Nathan said. "We just left."

"Huh. I must not have locked it," the doctor said. "Well, that is the quarantine room, and you are not being quarantined by being out here, so I'm going to have to ask you all to step back in there…"

"No!" Nathan shouted. He glared at the doctor. "We're not going back in there. We're dead."

"Yes?" the doctor said. "The better for you to get back in there. We need to study this."

"And we needs to not bes in a room that gots nothings in it and be hungrys!" Toki said. He groaned. "When are we goings to eat him, Nathans? I needs foods."

Nathan narrowed his eyes. "Now!" he shouted.

Everyone started toward the doctor, who started to scream. "No! You can't… we have to study you! You can't—"

His words were cut off and turned into screams of pain when everyone started tearing off his flesh with their teeth. Wordlessly the band ripped into the doctor, occasionally groaning, mostly biting and gnawing.

Toki pulled off one of the doctor's legs and dragged it off to the side to get out of the way. He started chewing on the flesh and watched everyone else at work. The doctor had been reduced to a bloody mess, and had stopped screaming; instead he was making some interesting gurgling noises. The sight was fascinating. Toki stared as he bit off chunks of the severed leg, almost like eating popcorn at the movies. Almost.

Pickles ripped off the other leg and sat down next to Toki. "Man. This is pretty brutal," he said, gesturing toward the mutilated doctor. "We should've died ages ago. This is great." He grinned, revealing bits of flesh stuck between his teeth, and started eating the leg.

Toki nodded. "There's bloods all over mes," he said, licking his lips. "But I don'ts minds. It's brutals. Wowee." He laughed and watched the other three fight over what was left of the doctor.

Skwisgaar and Murderface ripped off an arm each and went over to where Toki and Pickles were sitting. Nathan ripped the head off of the decimated torso and brought it over. "Okay, guys," he said. "Here's the really important part." He smashed the head against the floor and cracked open the skull to reveal the brain inside.

Nathan held out the severed head in front of him and nodded, giving a silent okay to the guys to start eating. Everyone grabbed a handful of the brain matter and shoved it into their mouths. Nathan scooped out the last of it and tossed the head aside.

"That wash aweshome!" Murderface said, his mouth full.

"Yeah, yeah, it was brutal," Nathan said, looking at his blood-soaked hands. He grinned.

"I'ms still hungrys, though," Toki said as he picked the leg clean. "I thinks I needs more foods." He groaned and looked up at the others.

"Because Tokis is a babys who needs foods all the times," Skwisgaar said, crossing his arms.

"Hey, I'm still hungry, too," Nathan said, narrowing his eyes at Skwisgaar.

"Me too," Pickles and Murderface said simultaneously.

Skwisgaar made a face. "Yes, I ams hungrys too…" he mumbled.

"Sho what now?" Murderface asked. "If we're shtill hungry, we have to go eat shomething."

"Let's eats Charles," Skwisgaar said. "We cans do thats."

"Nah, we can't eat Charles," Pickles said. "He's a robot. Can't eat a robot. Don't work that way. How 'bout some Klokateers? We got plenty of 'em."

"Yeah, buts they dies all the times and they helps us, so we shouldn'ts," Toki said.

"Let'sh get rid of that shtupid clown!" Murderface said.

"Let's just get out of here first," Nathan said. "We'll find someone to eat later. That work?"

Everyone else nodded. Nathan opened the door and everyone followed him. And the blood-covered, newly zombified members of Dethklok left to find more food.


	3. Living Dead Superstars

NOTE SHIT!: Awright. Chapter three. This is fun times, guys. Fun times. I'm really enjoying writing this. The teeny part with the Tribunal probably sucks donkey balls, but I had to shove them in there somewhere. So yeah. Also, this one's a bit short; next one'll be longer. As always, I shall plead with you (though it shall be ignored, verily): Tell me how I did! Okay, I'll stop talking and let you read now!

* * *

When the band left the doctor's office, they were intercepted by Charles. "What happened in there? I heard screaming…" he said, trailing off when he noticed that everyone was covered in blood. He stared, raised an eyebrow expectantly, and waited for an explanation.

* * *

"Dethklok is dead," Senator Stampingston said, a picture of the band appearing on the screen. "So far, the information has been suppressed from the media. If this were to get out, there would be complete chaos. We didn't have enough notice to prepare anything for the media, so... Well, here to tell us more is our… uh… zombie "expert", Mr. James Castle."

The Tribunal's eyes all focused on a rather youngish nerdy-looking man in a disheveled suit; he looked uncomfortable. "Um, it's Jimmy," he said. "Uh, yes, it seems that the members have been bitten by a zombie. This means that they're obviously zombies themselves now. And being zombies, they'll be eating as many people as they can." He shrugged. "And the world's gonna end. That's what happens when there's zombies."

* * *

Back at Mordhaus, Dethklok was hanging out in the living room as usual. However, none of them wanted to be there. They were all extremely hungry, having had nothing to eat after the doctor. The air seemed a bit tense.

Toki was trying to play DDR, but the combination of death and extreme hunger really screwed up his coordination and he kept messing up. "I hates this!" he yelled after falling down for the third time. "Why can'ts we go get foods? I'm starvings!" He stuck his tongue out at the game machine. "Stupids Dance Dance Revsolutions."

"Charles said we can't eat anyone yet," Pickles said, lying on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. "Said he wants to see if the science dudes can make us some fake food." He sighed. "So we can't."

"But I don't wants fakes foods!" Toki said, turning around to look at the others, eyes wide with hunger and anger. "I wants real foods! Peoples! I wants bloods everywhere and the foods to be warm and movings and screamings and…" he said, then trailed off. "Uh… I'm confuseds. But I'm still hungrys."

"Tokis, you ams dildos. We can'ts eats peoples," Skwisgaar said with his back towards everyone, messing with his guitar. He narrowed his eyes at his guitar. "I ams a gods, I shouldn'ts evens be deads…" he muttered.

"Fucks you, you liked it!" Toki said, glaring at Skwisgaar. "You were fightings with Nathans and Murderface when you were eatings that guy! You were!"

"Would you all jusht shut up? I'm trying to conshentrate!" Murderface yelled. He stood playing Wheelchair Bound, trying as hard as he could not to think about the hunger, which was really distracting. It was making him even more irritable than usual. Even playing his favorite game wasn't helping any.

Nathan sat in the hot tub, staring at nothing, his mind going back over it all; it seemed like so much had happened in a really short time. They had explained everything to Charles, who seemed oddly unfazed by their story. He'd barely even flinched when he saw the amount of blood that covered everyone. When they'd gotten back, he told them they had to stay in the living room, and left for his office, mumbling something about having to write up another waiver.

Nathan sighed. Instead of making the hunger stop, eating the doctor seemed to have awoken some kind of instinct and just made it worse. It didn't help that Mordhaus was full of people; the human smell wafting through the air was incredibly distracting.

Pickles had been trying to get drunk, but so far he wasn't having any luck. He tossed his third empty bottle at the wall half-heartedly, so it bounced off and hit the floor. "Dude, what the fuck is this? Why can't I get drunk?" He groaned and sat up, not even bothering to get another drink.

"Maybe deads peoples can't gets drunk?" Toki offered with a shrug, seemingly recovered from his little outburst earlier. He turned back towards the screen of the DDR machine and decided to try a lower difficulty in hopes that he'd be able to handle it. The slower setting worked for him, and he continued playing.

"I'm fucking hungry!" Nathan yelled, finally, startling everyone. In trying not to notice their hunger, they'd sunk into a sort of a stupor, focusing only on what they were doing. Nathan had snapped them out of it. "They better hurry up with our food."

* * *

Charles sat in his office, sighing. He had just finished making a flurry of phone calls, trying to make everything work. What the hell were you supposed to do when the band you managed became flesh-eating zombies, anyway? They'd never covered that in business school.

He knew the news was going to get leaked to the public somehow, which is why he was so frantic to get everything in order. New waivers that made sure to include a clause about getting eaten by the band. Development of synthetic human flesh that would serve as a substitute for the real thing and keep them from eating everyone. Making sure to sweep the death of the doctor under the rug. The usual.

He wasn't even sure if they could still play the same. After all, in movies at least (Charles didn't exactly have much experience with _real _zombies, of course), zombies weren't exactly the most dexterous things. He hadn't noticed too much of a difference in how the band moved, although they did seem to stumble around a bit more.

If they had suffered any kind of hits to their playing… well, that could prove disastrous for everyone involved. They had to be the best. It was what they did. If Dethklok had slipped up in any way… well, it would upset everything they'd built up. And that would be a problem. He'd have to check on them later on that front.

He sighed and stared at the phone, willing it to ring with good news about the research. Could they even develop such a thing on such short notice? He rested his head in his hands. This was a disaster. All because apparently some neglectful Klokateers had let some zombie backstage.

What a day.


	4. Bring Out Your Dead

A LETTER FROM OUR FRIENDS: Obligatory thanks goes here! I appreciate you guys, each and every one of you. I FUCKING APPRECIATE YOU. So, keep on using that noodle and reading my bullshit! (And tell me things! It makes me happy to have people tell me things, good or bad. SO TELL ME THINGS.) Also, sorry for the delay; I've been a bit busy with many many things! MOVING ON…

* * *

"Press conference?" Nathan asked indignantly, eyes narrowing at what Charles had just told them. "What the fuck for? We shouldn't be going off and talking to the press, we're hungry!"

Charles sighed and stared back at Nathan. He knew this was going to enrage everyone, but it was vital that they do this press conference. The band had to keep up appearances; the show must go on, dead or otherwise. And the best way for the fans to get the news was straight from the Thunderhorse's mouth.

"What Nathan's trying to say is that this ain't gonna be a good thing, us goin' out on an empty stomach," Pickles explained. "We go out there and what we're gonna see is a big buffet. All you can eat people."

In fact, the band was having a lot of trouble restraining themselves from eating Charles. It was kind of obvious now, from the human smell he gave off, that he wasn't actually a robot. It would have been a lot easier for them if he was. Toki especially found himself staring at Charles, his dead eyes trained on the manager, watching his every move, imagining what it would be like to just crack open his skull.

Charles found their empty, dead, hungry stares slightly unnerving, but he could keep cool under pressure. And, if necessary, he'd be able to subdue them before they'd get a chance to bite him. He was prepared.

"Whats happensed to the foods we were goings to get?" Skwisgaar asked. "Didn'ts you say that's they were makings foods for us?"

Charles sighed. "Yes, they're working on it. It's not done yet."

"Sho what do you expect ush to do?" Murderface asked. He scowled. "We have to eat shomething or we'll shtarve!"

Toki said nothing, still staring creepily at Charles. He let out a soft groan of hunger.

"Toki, stops thats," Skwisgaar said, backhanding Toki in the head.

Toki blinked and looked around at everyone. "Whats?" he said, genuinely confused, staring at Skwisgaar. "I didn't do anythings! Why did you hits me?"

"You ams wanting to eats Charles," Skwisgaar said, glaring at Toki.

"No I'm nots!" Toki protested, crossing his arms. "I'm nots."

"Let's just say we all want to eat Charles," Pickles said. "Sorry, Charles."

Charles sighed. "Look. It doesn't matter who wants to eat who. What does matter is that you've got a press conference in an hour."

* * *

Dethklok stood in front of a crowd of reporters, unsure of what to say. Hoping that it would help them focus, they'd eaten a lot of raw beef, but it didn't seem to do much to stop the hunger.

"What'd I say. It's a fucking buffet," Pickles muttered out of the side of his mouth.

"Uh… hi," Nathan said into the microphone. He squinted at the speech that had been prepared for him, but, his head swimming with hunger, he couldn't focus enough to read it.

All he could focus on was the writhing mass of meat—_no, no, the crowd, the people, the reporters. Anything but meat, _Nathan thought. The reporters tittered to each other, wondering why the press conference was being held, wondering what sort of interesting tidbits they'd get for their publications.

Nathan swallowed. "Um… we're gathered here today to—"

"That's weddings!" hissed Pickles.

Nathan coughed. "Oh, yeah, right. Anyway… we called this thing… this conference… to… we're here 'cause we're dead."

The crowd's mutterings got louder. One of the reporters stood up. "What was that? What does that mean?"

"Dead! We're fucking dead!" Murderface shouted.

"Uh, yeah. He's right," Nathan said. "We're… uh… we're zombies now. Yeah. Like… like in the movies. So…" he said, but trailed off when he noticed Toki moving closer to the edge of the platform. "Toki, what the fuck are you doing?" he growled.

Toki didn't hear him. He didn't hear anyone. He couldn't really see anyone. All he could see was that giant mass of people in front of him; so much food to choose from. Everything else was in a haze. Pickles had been right, it was a buffet! There was so much food just sitting there within reach. And right in front was a very large piece of meat; it looked delicious, whatever it was. He groaned hungrily and jumped off the platform.

Before he knew what was happening, the music reporter known as "Fat Joe" was bleeding and suffering from extreme pain. Toki Wartooth was on top of him, ripping into his flesh. Fat Joe's mind was racing despite the pain; this was really fascinating. But, he was being eaten, and he wouldn't get to write about it. Then something clicked and he realized exactly what was happening. He screamed as loud as he could; most of the other reporters were screaming as well. Many tried to run over each other to get to the exits.

"Shit, Toki," Nathan muttered, then shrugged. If Toki was getting food, he was too. He jumped down from the platform onto the closest person and dug in. The rest of the band followed him off the platform. Press conference over; it was dinner time now.

As the uninjured press members poured out of the exits, still screaming, Charles stood in back, sighing. He couldn't believe he was thinking this, but he should have listened to Pickles; the press conference turned out to be a horrible idea so early. Luckily he'd had everyone who'd stepped foot in the conference room sign one of the new waivers. At least he'd been prepared for that.

He looked up and surveyed the carnage that was currently taking place. Everyone was just completely ripping into the people who weren't fortunate enough to get to the exits in time. Toki had managed to reduce Fat Joe to a rather small pile of uneaten flesh and bones in a very short time. The others were currently eating, oblivious to the noises being made by their food. It was disturbing to watch.

Toki smiled as he sat next to the destroyed corpse of his prey, licking the blood off of his fingers. He looked up and noticed Charles staring at them disapprovingly in the very back of the room, and his smile disappeared. "Wowee…" he whispered. "What dids I dos?"

Charles waited for the screams to stop before he came forward. "Everyone done now?" he asked.

"Hey," Pickles said, looking up from the woman he was eating. "I said it was gonna look like a buffet, and it did." He lifted up what was left of her leg and bit into it. "I was right."

"Shee, thish wouldn't've happened if _shomebody_ hadn't shet us up for a fucking _pressh conferenshe_ when we were hungry!" Murderface said, glaring at Charles. He bit into the arm he was holding like it was a perfectly normal thing to do. It practically was, in zombie terms, anyway.

"Well, are you not hungry now?" Charles asked.

"Not the sames as befores, but still hungrys," Skwisgaar said, bent over a body, eating its stomach. He looked up, bloody entrails dangling from his mouth. "Whats? I'm not dones yets."

Toki didn't say anything, and continued to lick his fingers. He looked up, hoping nobody would get mad at him for starting this. It wasn't like it was his fault, anyway. They were all hungry. They were all thinking the same thing. He just wasn't very good at holding it in, apparently.

"Yeah," Nathan said, looking down at the severed head in his lap. "I'm still hungry, but it's not as bad now. Brains?" he asked, offering the head to Charles.

"Uh, no thank you," Charles said, adjusting his glasses. "Can you all handle yourselves now?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

Pickles waved his hand vaguely. "Yeah, yeah, sure. We're good," he said with his mouth full.

Charles sighed. He wasn't exactly reassured by Pickles's words. "Well, that certainly could have gone better," he said. "Of course, it could have been worse, but…"

"Hey, we're not the ones who decided to have the press conference," Nathan said. He decided there weren't any edible parts left in the head, so he tossed it aside and stood up. "Remember? We said no."

"Well, we had to get the information out to the public…" Charles said, trailing off. He should have gone with a simple press release. They weren't ready for the public yet. This was a problem.

Toki stood up and looked around at everyone. "I feels much betters now," he said, smiling. "I bets I can plays Dance Dance Revsolutions now no problems!"

"Tokis, why does you thinks thats?" Skwisgaar said, rolling his eyes.

Toki shrugged. "'Cause I dos."

"Yeah, I think I feel a lot better, too," Pickles said.

"Well, that's good," Charles said. "You do remember you have another show in a few days, right?"

"Oh, right, right. Brutal!" Nathan said. "Our first show as dead guys. It'll be awesome!"

"You sure you're all up for it?" Charles asked.

"Shure, we'll be fine," Murderface said. "What'sh the worsht that could happen?"

Charles raised an eyebrow at him and gestured towards the carnage surrounding them.

"Oh, right," Murderface said. "That."

Charles sighed. They were going to be even harder to deal with now. This was definitely going to be a challenge. "Okay, I think we should get back now. You guys need to get cleaned up." He turned around and opened the door, holding it open for the others.

Nathan shrugged. "Yeah, guess we should," he said.

"That was funs," Toki remarked as they left. "We should do thats mores."


	5. Dead and Breakfast

INCOMING CONTACT: Wow, reader types. You guys… I love you with all my organs, guys. Except the pancreas; he's a douchebag. Anyways, thanks for reading this, it means EVERYTHING TO ME that the words I write go to your eyes and then your brain. So thanks a billion. Also, totally huge thanks to my reviewers! Keep on kickin' ass, those who write me things. And those who don't. Just kick a large amount of asses, 'kay? KICK THEM. DO IT FOR ME.

* * *

Pickles woke up from a sort of catatonic sleep (it wasn't _really_ sleep, but he wasn't paying attention to anything, so it was almost like sleep) with a strange tingling feeling in his butt. The guys usually couldn't feel anything anymore, as dying had left them mostly numb, but sometimes stuff got through. And this was a weird one.

He crawled out of bed and without thinking, started to scratch at his butt. He was mildly surprised when he ended up scratching in the big missing chunk that the bite had left and he remembered exactly what had happened, but he didn't really start screaming until he held up his hand and saw the maggots that had decided it was a good idea to move onto his fingers.

* * *

Murderface left his room and started making the trek to the living room, hoping to run into a Klokateer or two on the way. He was hungry and wanted breakfast. Who cared about them, anyway? They were used to dying. Besides, they were supposed to be working for Dethklok, and being breakfast was a job, right? Sure it was. It was as good a job as any.

He thought he heard something, and looked around, but he didn't see anything, so he kept walking. Then suddenly Pickles burst out of his room, screaming, pushing Murderface out of the way. "Dude! Outta the way! I got worms in my butt!" he yelled as he ran.

Murderface blinked, opened his mouth to say something, thought better of it, shut it, and kept on walking.

* * *

"Pickles got worms?" Nathan said. "Pickles, stay out of the hot tub." Nathan himself was in there, laptop floating in front of him. He'd been looking up porn, but had found himself staring at the ladies' heads instead of their naughty bits. So he had an idea and now instead he was looking at pictures of brains. He liked the ones that were still in people's heads the best; they looked a lot tastier than the ones that were just dead meat. "Huh," he said. "Food porn."

Skwisgaar was at the other side of the hot tub, as always playing his guitar, trying not to think about being hungry. He was doing a pretty good job of that, he thought, congratulating himself. "I ams a gods, so I can nots eats peoples if I wants. I just eats them because I do wants to," he said, mostly to himself.

Toki was playing DDR, and was in a rather good mood, despite being hungry. It wasn't as bad as it was the other day, and he'd really had a lot to eat last time, so he was still holding up pretty well. "Don'ts gets your worms alls over everythings," he said, not turning around at all. "Worms. Is that like whats a dogs gets?"

"Nah, maggots, I think. They're kinda like worms. Crawly things. Y'know," Pickles said.

"Yeah, they get on dead thingsh," Murderface said. "They like to eat 'em. Thingsh like ush. They turn into fliesh. I think." He kicked at the arcade game he was playing. "Shtupid cheating game," he muttered. "I should jusht go back to playing Wheelchair Bound. I'm good at that one."

Charles walked in holding a Tupperware container.

"Hey, Charles," Nathan said, barely taking his eyes off the laptop screen.

"Hey, don't worry, guys, anyway, I got the worms off," Pickles said.

"Worms?" Charles said, raising an eyebrow. "Uh… should I even ask?"

"I had worms in my butt but I got 'em off," Pickles said by way of explanation.

"What'd you do, flush 'em?" Nathan asked.

"Uh… nah, I ate 'em," Pickles said, shrugging, not as embarrassed as he could have been. "They were alive and I was hungry."

"Huh," Nathan said. "How'd they taste?"

"Not too bad, actually," Pickles said.

"Shouldn't you be keeping your, uh, bites clean?" Charles said, looking around the living room, his face calm despite being a bit disgusted by Pickles's admission. "So things like that don't happen?"

"Hey, _mine'sh_ not full of maggotsh," Murderface said, gesturing to his bandage-wrapped leg. In fact, there was a lot more bandage coverage than wound. Nothing was getting under there.

"Neithers ams mine," Skwisgaar said. A clean bandage covered his wound.

"Mines ams goods too!" Toki said, pausing his game and walking over to everybody else to show them. "It's gots a real cool cat, looks!" He grinned and held out his arm proudly. His wound was indeed covered by two Hello Kitty bandages.

"I don't need to cover it," Nathan said, grinning, his teeth also visible through the hole in his cheek. "It's more brutal if I don't." He poked his tongue through it. "Plus I can do that. It's pretty cool." He looked back at the laptop. "Oh man, that's a juicy one," he said, staring at the brain on the screen. "I'd eat that."

"Aw, screw you, douchebags," Pickles said.

"Um, right. Well, the researchers have apparently finished your food substitute," Charles said, holding out the Tupperware.

Nathan looked up. "Took 'em fucking long enough," he said. He climbed out of the hot tub and took the container from Charles. He opened it up and peered inside. What was in there was some unidentifiable substance that seemed to wiggle a bit. It didn't resemble human flesh at all. "Uh… looks nasty," he said. He sniffed at it. "Smells kinda like shit. You sure this is what they want us to eat?" he said, looking up at Charles.

"It's what they gave me," Charles said.

"Okay," Nathan said. "Guess we'll try it." Everybody gathered around the bowl and grabbed a handful of the flesh substitute. The reaction was far from positive, as was evident by their disgusted faces.

"Okay, what the fuck is this shit?" Nathan said, glaring.

"This ams dildos!" Skwisgaar said, spitting out a giant wad of the stuff onto the floor.

"We can't eat this," Pickles said. "I don't even know what this is. What the hell is it? Tastes like shit."

"Well, they told me it's cloned human flesh," Charles said.

"I don'ts wants to eats this," Toki said, looking at the bowl sadly. "It's not goods. I hates it." He groaned. "And now I'm more hungrys."

"This shucks!" Murderface said. "I jusht want to eat shomething!" He was definitely going to have to eat a Klokateer now.

"Okay, fine. I'll fire the scientists and get new ones. But right now you guys need make sure you're ready for the show tomorrow," Charles said. "And make sure you can control yourselves. We don't need another… incident."

"We'll be fine," Nathan said. "We can handle this. Right, guys?"

"Yeah! We cans handsles this, sure," Toki said.

Charles wasn't so sure, but there wasn't much else he could do.

* * *

Practice went rather well, Charles thought, except for a slight incident where Murderface ripped a Klokateer's face off. They had to take a break there for him to finish eating, and then everybody else started complaining that they wanted food, and refused to continue without. So he'd had to find some Klokateers who'd volunteer to be food for the guys. He found some, so the disruption wasn't as bad as it could have been. Crisis narrowly averted.

Charles wasn't sure if their show was going to be a disaster or not. For a very short time he had half a mind to cancel it, but he quickly decided against it. If they played tomorrow, there would be a really big chance of something violent and terrible happening. However, if they cancelled, the aftermath would be even worse. After all, deaths happened at shows all the time. The fans knew what they were getting into. Cancelling would cause a huge backlash, and even more deaths. Not to mention a huge loss of money.

No matter what, they had to go through with this one. And they had to be at their best. No matter how many people died. Although, this time, they were going to have to make sure everyone who died stayed dead. That wasn't a problem before; they'd been eating enough of their victims to make it so they didn't get up and kill.

But this was going to be a lot bigger than a press conference. With the wild fans all over the place, trying to climb on stage, trying to get backstage, trying to get as close to the band as possible, and of course, groupies… well, there was a chance that the zombie thing was going to be spread, and spread quickly. And that would cause a bureaucratic nightmare.

At least they could still play. That was really the most important part. It wasn't that they were technically walking masses of rotted flesh that would eat anything living at the drop of a hat. It wasn't that they caused a giant scene the other day. If they couldn't play, it would be the worst that could happen. And despite the deadness causing deficiencies in other areas requiring coordination, their playing wasn't a problem.

At least there was that. As for how the show was going to turn out… well, that would have to wait until tomorrow.


	6. Saturday Night of the Living Dead

A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS: Hey, everybodee! It's your pal lovable non-furry old AgentKaz. I love you people, in a non-creepy way. The last one was a bit more gross-out than violent, so I'm making up for that in this one. Enjoy the violence! WARNING: this chapter contains pantsless Murderface. This may bother most of you. Not me. DON'T' YOU JUDGE ME. And now back to your regularly scheduled programming!

* * *

It was the day of Dethklok's first show after their death, and the news was buzzing.

"It's a publicity stunt!" yelled a young man in a Captain America T-shirt on a popular morning talk show. "Zombies can't talk! But the footage clearly shows them talking!"

"What, and all the blood and gore is totally fake?" asked another young man, this one in an Angry Beavers shirt. "Just because you think Max Brooks is the leading authority on zombies doesn't mean he is." He crossed his arms and glared at the camera. "I've seen the footage too, and I can assure you it's real."

"There is absolutely no way zombies can talk! They can't even think! They run solely on instinct and hunger!" the other man countered. "Dethklok was seen talking. Hence, not zombies."

"Look, you've made it obvious that you're an idiot, but that doesn't mean everyone else is!" the Angry Beavers guy said. "They're clearly zombies. You can see it in how they move, how they act. How they _RIP THE FREAKING GUTS OUT OF PEOPLE. _If that doesn't prove they're zombies, I don't know what does!"

The argument degenerated into a bunch of name-calling and Pickles changed the channel.

"Aw, jusht ash it wash getting good!" Murderface said. "Change it back! Maybe they'll shtart fighting!"

"Oooh, I wants to sees the nerds fights!" Toki said, grinning. "Ands they cans haves their lightsbagers!"

"Shut up, guys! Look at that!" Nathan said, pointing at the TV.

On TV a reporter was talking to Charles. "Yes, despite recent… events, we are still going through with the concert tonight," he said. "The rumors of cancellation are completely false."

"We can hear him talk anytime," Murderface said. "Let'sh go back to the lasht channel. I bet they're really tearing into each other by now!"

"Yeah!" Toki said. "Nerds fights! Nerds fights!"

"We don'ts needs to see nerds fights," Skwisgaar said. "Charles is sayings somethings, probsablys importants."

"…taking every precaution," continued Charles on screen. "We can't guarantee anything, of course, but we are working on it."

"Come on, guysh. He'sh jusht shaying the shame shit he alwaysh shaysh," Murderface said. "We're probably misshing the biggesht nerd fight of the year!"

"Okay, fine! Jeez," Pickles said, changing the channel back. The Captain America guy and Angry Beavers dude had indeed procured plastic lightsabers and were in the midst of dueling.

"Shee?" Murderface said, gesturing toward the TV. "I told you!"

"Ha! That's awesome," Nathan said. "Go beaver guy!"

"I likes the other guys," Toki said. "He's stupids. That's funnys."

The Angry Beavers dude had knocked Captain America guy's lightsaber out of his hands and was beating him over the head with his own. Finally the show's tech guys had enough sense to cut to a commercial break.

"What else is on?" Pickles said, flipping channels again. "More Charles… cartoons… hey, it's us!"

"Dethklok, the recently zombified popular heavy metal band, is playing a concert tonight in—" started the announcer.

"Boring!" Pickles said, and changed the channel. "More cartoons, more shit… Nuthin' good's on."

"Oh man, tonight's gonna be brutal!" Nathan said. "We're gonna fucking rock! From the grave!" He laughed.

"Are we gonna end up going nuts again tonight?" Pickles asked. "I mean, this one's gonna be worse 'n the press conference. Way more food… I mean people."

"We tolds Charles we wouldn'ts," Toki said.

"Yeah, but we don't know that for sure," Pickles said.

"Sho if we kill shomebody, we kill shomebody," Murderface said with a shrug. "It'sh not that big of a deal. Our fansh are inshane. They'd love it!"

"Buts we tolds Charles—"

"Shuts ups, Tokis," Skwisgaar said. "It was yours faults last times, anysways."

"We shtill don't have any food," Murderface said. "If we can't eat anything, we're gonna have to kill shomebody. You guysh know we can't go that long without eating."

"That's true," Nathan said. "We get pretty screwed up without food."

"But if we dos, Charles will—"

"He'll what? Ground ush?" Murderface said, rolling his eyes. "We're Dethklok. We can do whatever we want. I shay we kill tonight."

Toki didn't say anything else. His arguments were halfhearted, anyway. He wanted to kill just as much as the others did. And when he thought about the carnage they could cause later… well, he'd definitely enjoy it. Probably a little too much.

"Sho that'sh shettled," Murderface said. "Tonight, we eat."

* * *

Toki was nervous. Everyone else seemed fine, but he just couldn't calm down. The last few times they'd eaten, it was spontaneous, but this time it was premeditated. Sure, they didn't know who they were going to kill this time, but they knew that they were going to do it. And they were going to kill a bunch of people, not just one, like the doctor. Sure, he wanted to kill. He was hungry. But it still bothered him slightly.

Nathan thought it was going to be brutal, and the fans who weren't being eaten would think it was brutal too. It would be a really cool addition to the show, he'd said. So they were going to do it. Of course, they weren't going to tell Charles about it.

The fans stood in the stadium, screaming and cheering. They'd all signed their waivers and finished their paperwork, and they were ready for what they knew was going to be a very brutal concert.

The band stepped out on stage and the place erupted. Their now-natural deathly pallor made their makeup seem even more sinister.

"Hey fleshbags!" Nathan growled, letting out the biggest hungry groan he could. "Are you people ready for death? Undeath? DETHKLOK!!"

And with that, the concert began.

* * *

Surprisingly enough, things were going rather well, Charles thought, watching from the side. Very few deaths.

It was suspicious. There was no way that their first show as zombies was going to go off without a hitch. Charles wasn't even sure if they were ready for this, but the show had to go on.

Then, suddenly, somebody climbed on stage.

"Oh… shit." Charles stared. This wasn't supposed to happen. They were supposed to stop this from happening. Somebody screwed up. Somebody was getting fired. This was turning into a fiasco.

Of course it wouldn't be easy. Of course.

* * *

Nathan had been planning on attacking somebody in the crowd eventually, but someone happened to climb up on stage and Nathan decided he'd do. He groaned, the music stopped, and he ripped the guy's throat out with his teeth.

The crowd went wild as blood sprayed everywhere. Some of the more insane fans started climbing all over the stage, overwhelming security.

Toki had really, really been trying to control himself, but this sudden influx of food coming onstage was bothering him. "No… I cans do this…" he mumbled, looking down at his guitar. Then he looked up to see a woman coming toward him and he just snapped. His feeble attempts at control lost, he dropped his guitar, tackled her, and bit into her stomach, tearing out her intestines.

Murderface sat on a corpse, eating two others, his bass sitting next to him on stage. He was pantsless, having dropped trou immediately before being interrupted by dinner. He didn't feel like putting his shorts back on; he was busy eating. So far he was pretty pleased by how things were going.

Nathan tore the throat out of another fan, who gurgled and fell to the ground. Nobody noticed the one he'd killed earlier twitching. The new zombie opened his eyes and moaned, crawling towards the edge of the stage.

Skwisgaar groaned and jumped into the crowd into the arms of a group of women. Their squeals of excitement turned into cries of pain as he started to eat.

Pickles popped an eyeball into his mouth and looked up. "Uh, hey, Nathan? That dude you killed's up and movin'," he said, pointing towards the edge.

Nathan's line of sight followed Pickles's finger to see the guy who had first climbed up on stage fall into the crowd and start biting people. "Oh shit," he said. "He's gonna eat all our food!"

* * *

Charles was frantically making phone calls, trying to get the situation under control. A few Klokateers were making their way through the crowd, evacuating those who hadn't been bitten yet. The job was rather difficult, as the band was still eating, but finally they managed to get the unbitten out.

Only the band, several dozen partially eaten corpses, and a couple of newly-dead tottering zombies remained. One Klokateer stood by with a gun, shooting the zombies in the head as they reanimated.

The band lounged around on the stage, eating their dinner, feeling rather good about themselves. Charles stepped out from the side and gave them a stern look.

"'Sup, robot?" Pickles asked, waving a severed arm at him. He grinned and took a bite out of it.

"You said you were ready," Charles said. "I think it's safe to say you weren't?"

"Well, what are we shupposhed to do, shtarve?" Murderface asked, sitting and leaning on a pile of corpses, still pantsless, snacking on a brain. "Not our problem we have to eat people." He shrugged and scratched his crotch.

A slight look of disgust crossed Charles's face, but was quickly replaced by his usual businesslike manner. "This is going to be a problem, isn't it," he said.

"No way," Nathan said. "Our next show's when, a week? They'll have our food ready by then, right?"

"No guarantees…" Charles said. The new researchers certainly seemed competent enough… He hoped they'd be able to get the job done. Firing employees was tiresome.

"Murderface, this was a goods ideas—hey!" Toki said, interrupted by Skwisgaar punching him in the face. "What's was thats for? That almosts hurt…"

"Tokis. Charles doesn'ts knows about that we was goings to be killings on purpose, remembser?" Skwisgaar hissed. "Shut ups."

Charles raised an eyebrow at Toki and Skwisgaar, but shrugged. "Okay, then. Well, tell me when you're ready so this can get cleaned up."

"Yeah, yeah, sure," Nathan said, poking his tongue through his cheek and licking the blood off. "We'll tell you."

"We really should do thish more," Murderface said, ripping a heart out of one of the closest corpse's chest and taking a bite. "It'sh brutal."

"Yeah!" Toki said. "It's really cool! Why can'ts we just eats all the peoples?"

"Well, y'know, if we eat all of 'em there won't be none left. Then we'll starve," Pickles said.

"Well, I likes being deads, anyways," Toki said. He really did. Sure, he had his doubts sometimes, but after this… well, it was pretty great.

* * *

Many of the fans who hadn't been bitten stood outside, talking about the show, comparing injuries. Despite the fact that it had been cut short, nobody seemed to be complaining. It was cool.

One girl, standing a bit farther away from everyone, lifted up her hair and touched a spot on the back of her neck. She looked at her blood-covered fingers and smiled. That was where Skwisgaar had bitten her. In the confusion she'd slipped out with the others. She looked back at the stadium for a second, then turned and started to walk back toward her car.

Brutal.


	7. Exquisite Dead Guy

HARK!: Hey everybody. Sorry for the delay. I'd been kinda kicking around a few ideas but this one's the one I've settled on. And oh boy is it a doozy. I won't tell you more, you'll have to read on. Once again, thanks to my readers. You validate my existence.

* * *

"Where the fuck's Charles?" Nathan asked. "And Toki. Toki's missing, too. Huh." He looked around like he was expecting either of them to walk in just that second. Well, he was. They were supposed to be there. "I thought we were supposed to have a meeting. The robot's never late."

"Yeah, that's really weird. I guess we should go look for 'em," Pickles said, standing up.

"Yeah, you guys go do that," Murderface said, putting his feet up on the table. "I'll shtay here."

"I ams stayings here, too," Skwisgaar said. "I don'ts really cares."

Pickles and Nathan left the conference "Okay, I'll check Toki's room, you see if you can find the robot," Pickles said. "Then I guess we'll meet up here if we find 'em." He scratched his butt, which was now padded with enough bandages to pretty much fill the crater. It still itched slightly sometimes, and he really hoped there weren't any maggots left under there. He didn't want to bother with taking the bandages off and putting new ones on. That would be a chore.

"Okay," Nathan said. "Good idea." He nodded and walked to Charles's office. "Hey, robot. You in there? We've been waiting like forever. Open up," he said, pounding on the door. He narrowed his eyes when he heard some strange noises coming from inside the room, and tried the handle. It was unlocked.

"Hey, what's… going… on?" he said as he opened the door, trailing off when he saw what was going on in there. "Toki, what the fuck?"

Toki was on the ground, hunched over Charles's body, about to take another bite out of his torso. Charles's front was covered in bleeding bite marks; his eyes were closed.

"Oh, hi, Nathans," Toki said, standing up, wiping his mouth on his arm, essentially just smearing the blood around. "I was just eatings. How are yous?"

"Toki, you asshole, you weren't supposed to eat the robot!"Nathan said. "We kind of need him, remember? He does all that shit we don't do." He glared at Toki and then looked toward Charles's body. "How much damage you do?"

Toki shrugged. "Not much. I was abouts to…" he started, but then it dawned on him. "Oh. That's bads, rights?" He frowned. "Yeah, yeah… that's… not goods. Not goods at alls…"

Charles groaned a little, twitched, and slowly opened his eyes. He groaned some more, then cleared his throat. "Okay… what happened?" he asked, blinking, squinting up at Nathan and Toki. "What am I doing down here? Where are my glasses… oh. Toki. You, uh… you killed me…?" The thought of it was absurd, but… he thought he did remember… yes, it was Toki who'd killed him.

"Uh… heres," Toki said, picking Charles's glasses up from the ground and handing them to him. "Tokis ams sorry!" he said, a worried look on his face. "I ams! I ams very sorrys! I didn'ts means it! I was hungrys…"

"Well, Toki, I must say I'm impressed," Charles said, sitting up, putting his glasses on and examining the bites on his torso. "You managed to catch me off guard."

"I'M SORRYS!" Toki yelled. "I really really didn'ts means it! Don'ts kills me!" He made a face like he was about to cry.

Charles sighed. "Oh well. It's all right, Toki," he said, standing up, clinging to the desk for support. He wobbled slightly. "I should have expected something like this to happen eventually."

Charles had been so caught up in everything, his workload having increased so much after the concert fiasco, that he had let his guard down. Instead of seeing the band for what they had become, that is flesh-eating zombies, he had just kept thinking of them as the same guys they'd always been. So when Toki wanted to see him, he'd thought he just had some kind of problem he'd needed some help with.

He never realized that problem was what to eat for lunch until it was too late. He was mentally kicking himself for that; he had been so sure that he'd be able to fight off anyone if they'd try to kill him. After all, he'd survived before. It turned out that somehow he couldn't fight off zombie Toki, though, and now he was one of them.

"Uh… Charles? You okay?" Nathan said.

"Yes, I'm fine," Charles said. He could work through this. It wasn't the end of the world. "I assume the others are in the conference room?"

"Oh, yeah! Pickles went to look for Toki," Nathan said. "We'll have to tell him we found him. And you. And… uh… that you're dead."

They went back towards the conference room where Pickles was standing outside.

"There you guys are!" he said. "I was waitin'… Charles?" His eyes widened as he noticed Charles's torn suit and the change in his odor. He didn't smell like a delicious meal anymore. "When'd you die?" Then he looked at Toki and his blood-smeared face and made the connection. "Oh. _That's_ where Toki was."

"Yes… well, let's get this meeting over with," Charles said. He opened the door and walked in. Murderface and Skwisgaar stared at him.

"Uh, robot? Did you know you're dead?" Murderface asked. "'Caushe you're pretty dead."

"Yes, I'm fully aware of that," Charles said. He looked down at some papers that he had brought. "Now, let's…" he trailed off and looked up towards the door.

"Let's what?" Pickles asked.

"Excuse me for a minute," Charles said, and walked out of the room.

About a minute passed and then a scream was heard echoing through Mordhaus. Five or so minutes later Charles nonchalantly walked back into the conference room, wiping his face with a handkerchief. "All right. Now let's begin."

Murderface stared. "Did you jusht—"

"I said let's begin."

"Okay. Jeez. Zombie robot'sh touchy." He folded his arms and leaned back in his chair, feet still on the table.

"So what's this for, anyway?" Nathan asked.

"We have a few things we need to discuss. Like what happened yesterday." Charles raised an eyebrow at Nathan. "That was a disaster. We need to make sure the next one won't be like that."

"I thought it wash great," Murderface said, glaring.

"Well, it may have been great for you, but it really isn't doing much for the media," Charles said. "News programs are always looking for some sort of scandal, and it looks like you all are the hot news item."

Pickles shrugged. "What else is new?" he asked. "They're always talkin' about us. What else? Little old ladies sayin' we're bad for the kids? Sounds like the same old shit."

"All right, then… on to the next item," Charles said.

"What elshe is there to talk about?" Murderface asked.

"I it seems the makers of a new zombie multiplayer online game want you to endorse it," Charles said. "They say that 'it would be most brutal and an honor to have Dethklok endorse our game. We've worked really hard on it and having actual zombies advertise it would really help.' End quote. They do seem to be paying quite well, and there's a lot of buzz already."

"Brutal," Nathan said. "We'll do it!"

"Then I guess that's all for now," Charles said. "Try not to kill anybody yet."

"Yeah, right, robot. That'sh exactly what you're doing," Murderface said, rolling his eyes.

"Dood, Toki. How'd you end up killing him, anyway?" Pickles asked when they left the room.

"I just dids," Toki said with a shrug. "I wasn'ts tryings to." He thought for a second, then continued. "I was hungrys so I was askings hims abouts the foods, you knows, that we ams supposed to gets? And I was askings and then I was eatings."

"Tokis, you can'ts control yourselfs," Skwisgaar said. "You ams goings to gets us all killed."

Toki glared at Skwisgaar. "I cans! I cans control myselfs!" he said. "I just didn'ts." He frowned. "No… No, I guess I can'ts control myselfs. Huh."

* * *

Charles had bandaged himself up and changed his suit and was now calling the scientists. He had to tell them—no, order them, to work faster. Now he knew exactly what the guys were going through. He realized how important this really was. He couldn't keep killing Klokateers, no matter how discreet he was. Now that Mordhaus was up one zombie, things would be even more dangerous for the living.

After making sure the scientists would work faster, he hung up the phone and sighed. He still wasn't sure what to make of this. He was a zombie now. This wasn't something he'd planned for at all. He had been so sure he was going to stay alive. After all, he'd survived plenty of shit before. And somehow, despite everything, he'd ended up downed by Toki. It just didn't seem to make any sense. But that didn't matter. What did matter was what had happened to him and how he was going to deal with it. He had to stay professional. It was his job.

* * *

"So, do you believe me now?" asked the Angry Beavers dude, now clad in a Strong Bad t-shirt, a very smug look on his face. His nemesis sat across from him, now wearing a Yoda shirt and a very frustrated expression. The talk show was having a follow-up to their argument due to the events of last night's concert and it looked like it was going to end the same way as the last time.

Pickles lowered the volume as the two started arguing with each other again. "So, wait. We gotta write a song about video games or zombies or what?" Pickles he asked. "Or both?"

Nathan looked at the paper Charles had given them. "Says they want something that'll be played in the game and commercials. Nothing about what it's supposed to be about."

"Sho we gotta think?" Murderface said. "Shit. I hate thinking."

"Can't be too hard," Pickles said. "Just have it be about brains or somethin'." He shrugged. "Hey, do we get a free game outta this?"

Nathan looked back at the paper. "Yeah! It says that. Free game."

"Let's gets to works," Skwisgaar said. "I'm hungrys. I needs to thinks about somethings else."

"Charles really was takings it wells, dyings, huh?" Toki said.

"Hey, the robot's had shit happen before, right? I mean he works with us. We're pretty brutal. Dying's pretty brutal," Nathan said, shrugging. "He's used to it."

* * *

After the concert, the girl had gone home and immediately went to bed. When she finally opened her eyes, there was no trace of intelligence left. She was just a regular zombie. And she was hungry. So very hungry. Instinct guided her out the door to the outside world, where she knew she would find food.


	8. Dead Serious

STUFF: Argh, sorry about the huge delay. I did not mean to take so long. I got sidetracked! Also I had writer's block! And I got to see VNV Nation but that's got nothing to do with anything! Anyway here's this chapter. It's a bit short-ish. Also, guess the cameo!  


* * *

The girl stumbled around outside until she came to a group of people standing around in a line. It was a perfect place to get food, and had she been thinking she would've congratulated herself on her find. Instead, she was just pleased to find such a huge source of food.

She groaned and bit into the arm of the guy standing next to her. He looked at her and then at his arm, shrugged, and shoved her out of his way. "Damn crazies," he said, taking a look at his wound. "Hope she doesn't have rabies or something." He scratched at the bite, but didn't get out of line. He wasn't going to let some wacko keep him from the show.

After all, the dude had been through a lot already. Giant robot, never getting paid for said robot, dealing with aliens, losing an eye… More shit than some wackjob girl taking a bite out of him, anyway. Dethklok was his favorite band, and he wasn't going to let something like that stop him from seeing them again.

* * *

"Okay, maybe the second time," Charles said, walking into the living room with a Tupperware container. He wanted nothing more than to open it and dig in to "make sure it was all right," but he didn't think the band would appreciate that. So he had to wait.

Nathan climbed out of the hot tub and took the new container from Charles. He lifted the lid and sniffed at the contents. "Hey, it doesn't smell like shit this time," he said.

It didn't seem to smell like anything, Charles thought. He wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. Humans had a specific smell to zombies, something that screamed "FOOD," but maybe the cloning process removed it.

"Well, aren't you going to try it?" Charles asked, trying to keep the hunger out of his voice. It wasn't very professional. For a change he was having a real problem with staying professional. Must have been the whole hungry for human flesh thing.

"Oh, yeah, right," Nathan said, poking at the substance. "Uh… looks more like something we can eat than before," he said. "It's not, like, jello or anything."

All eyes seemed to be on Nathan as he tore some of the fleshy substance out of its container. He put the cloned flesh prototype into his mouth and chewed.

"Wells, how is its?" Toki asked. "Is it goods?" He was reluctant to try it until someone else gave the go-ahead, in case it tasted like the first batch.

Nathan chewed for what seemed like an agonizingly long time to the other hungry zombies. Then he gave the thumbs-up and swallowed. "Wow, that actually kind of tastes like the real thing!" he said.

"You sure?" Pickles said. "I wanna make sure it's good 'fore I eat that. 'Cause last time? That was shit."

"It's fine," Nathan said, handing the container back to Charles. "I'd rather eat, y'know, live food, real food, but I guess this'll work." It didn't exactly feel right, eating it, because there wasn't any blood or the satisfaction of hearing the screams of terror and pain from the victims, but it seemed to taste like the real thing, and that had to be good enough.

With that, everyone (including Charles) descended upon the small container with characteristic zombie hunger. The small amount of the substance that was left quickly disappeared and the zombies were left with an empty container.

"I thinks we'll needs more," Toki said.

"No shit, Sherlock," Murderface said.

"I'll make sure someone brings more," Charles said, adjusting his tie, somewhat embarrassed by how animalistic he'd just acted. Of course, he didn't need to be so embarrassed, as everyone else was acting that way too, but it just didn't really fit with his professional image.

"Hurrys up," Skwisgaar said, crossing his arms. "We're hungrys."

"Yes, I understand that," Charles said. "Remember, I'm hungry too."

"I don'ts cares," Skwisgaar said. "Just hurrys."

Charles sighed. "Fine." There was no point in arguing or trying to reason with them that he couldn't instantly get them food. He went to his office to make some calls and got a Klokateer to bring more food for the band, and some for himself. Hopefully this meant that they'd all be able to keep their hunger in check and there wouldn't have to be a repeat of the last concert.

Of course, he had a feeling that was just wishful thinking on his part. Nothing could ever be that easy.

* * *

The girl stumbled down the street, her senses overwhelmed by the amount of people surrounding her. People either ignored her or laughed at her, thinking she was some kind of crazy drunk.

She ran into somebody and fell to the ground. He grabbed her arm and pulled her to her feet. "Careful, Dani," he said. "What's up?"

Dani looked at the boy and a flash of recognition crossed her face. A name—no, it was gone. Meat. So close. She looked at her old friend for a moment, then struck.

And somehow, despite the fact that there was a girl snacking on someone's innards right there on the sidewalk, nobody noticed.

* * *

Night. Quiet. Darkness. Everyone trying to sleep. The glow of the arcade game illuminated Murderface standing there, a full container of synthflesh sitting on a game next to him. Despite the fact that he wasn't so hungry anymore, a little nagging voice in his head was telling him something in zombie. Something he couldn't really understand at the moment. He wasn't good at translating.

The beeps from the arcade continued, and so did that voice in his head. He narrowed his eyes. "Shtop that," he said.

"Stops whats?"

Murderface turned around. "Nothing, Toki. Go away."

"Is it thats guy sayings stuff in your head?" Toki asked, hugging his bear. "And it says," he said, and did an exact impression of the thing that Murderface had been hearing all night.

"Yeah!" he said. "Sho you got it too?"

Toki nodded. "It won'ts shut ups. It's like… before, when I hads to eats peoples? But it's differents, too."

"Huh," Murderface said. He stuffed a few handfuls of the synthflesh into his mouth. He offered the rest of the container to Toki, who just shook his head.

"I thinks… I thinks that's what's makings the voice," Toki said. "Eats. Kills."

Murderface's eyes widened in recognition. "That'sh it! That'sh what it'sh shaying!"

"Yeah," Toki said. "You didn'ts know?"

Murderface opened his mouth to respond, but then they heard a groan, a scream, and a thump.

"Whats was thats?" Toki asked, hugging his bear closer.

"I don't know, but it shounded like shomeone jusht made a kill," Murderface said.

"Should we checks it out?"

Murderface nodded. "Yeah, shure. Let'sh go."


	9. After All The Dead

POST-IT: WOOHOO CHAPTER NINE THIS TRAINWRECK JUST KEEPS ON KEEPIN' ON. Anyways! Thanks, reading readers, for reading readingly! Your existence makes me a happy, happy person. I'M SO BLOODY HAPPY LOOK AT MY HAPPINESS. Now! A hint: Whenever something's written between brackets [like so] it means it has been translated from the zombie for your convenience! Despite the word count, this one's kinda got not that much going on. But believe you me, the next one's gonna be nuts!

* * *

Blood covered Nathan's face as he ate. The Klokateer he was snacking on had stopped screaming, and the twitching became less and less frequent. The only sounds now in the hallway were Nathan's grunts and the wet sound of eating flesh.

"I'm pretty sure it came from over here," a voice said. Nathan looked up and groaned something resembling a question.

"Are you sures we're goings the right way?" a voice asked from the other direction.

Nathan groaned again. The voices seemed familiar. Were they… fellow zombies? He couldn't really remember. He wasn't sure why he thought they were familiar. He decided that they didn't smell like food, so they must have been zombies. Zombie logic.

"Nathans?" Toki asked as he followed Murderface down the hallway. "That you?"

Nathan groaned in the affirmative. Nathan. That sounded about right.

"Toki?" Pickles asked, coming from the other end of the hallway, followed by Skwisgaar. "What the fuck's going on?"

"We heard somethings," Toki said. He looked at the blood-drenched groaning singer in the middle of the hallway. "I thinks it was Nathans."

Pickles walked up to Nathan and tentatively poked at him with his foot. "Nathan. Dude. What are you doing?"

What was he doing? That was obvious. He was eating. He groaned to tell Pickles that.

"You think thish hash shomething to do with the voishe?" Murderface asked, putting emphasis on the word "voice".

"Voice?" Pickles asked, looking surprised. "You got one too?"

Murderface nodded and Toki groaned the phrase that had been plaguing his mind.

"Yeah, that's it," Pickles said.

"Sos that's why Nathans is…" Skwisgaar said, waving vaguely at Nathan.

Nathan tore the hood off of the Klokateer and cracked open his skull, revealing the prize of brains inside. "[Eat. Kill,]" he groaned.

Murderface looked at him. "Yeah, that'sh about it," he said, crossing his arms. "Sho we jusht wait for him to shnap out of it? 'Caushe I can't think of anything elshe to do about it."

"Here, lemme try something," Pickles said. He groaned at Nathan a few times. "I think I'm doin' this right," he said, switching back to English. He looked up at his fellow zombies for confirmation.

"Shounds good to me," Murderface said with a shrug.

Toki nodded. "'Hey Nathans, whats are you doings?'" he translated.

"Eh, close enough," Pickles said. "So I am doing it right." He switched back to zombie. "[Uh… Nathan, seriously, what the fuck are you doing?]"

"[Eating. Duh,]" Nathan said, not looking up.

Pickles blinked. "[Yeah, I see that. But… why?]"

"[I'm hungry.]"

"[Me too, dood, but we got that synthwhatever now. We don't need to go around eatin' random people.]"

"[Eat. Kill.]"

Pickles sighed. "Yeah, that ain't helping at all," he said.

Nathan finished eating the corpse's brains and stood up, disappointed that that was all. He looked around at the others. He wanted more food. "[Need more,]" he said.

"Uh, what's going on here?" asked a voice from behind them. Toki turned around to see Charles walking their way and waved.

"Nathans is… regresseds," Skwisgaar said.

"Regressed?" Charles asked. "What do you…" He pushed past the others and looked at Nathan. That was not good. "You do realize this is a bad idea?" he said to Nathan.

"[Eat. Kill.]"

Charles raised an eyebrow. "[Eat. Kill,]" he repeated. "Um, that's—"

"The things that's in our heads," Toki finished for him. "We knows. We has it too."

Charles looked at Toki, then back at Nathan. "If he's like this, we can't actually continue with concerts or any public appearances, you know," he said. "That is a problem."

"Dude, we know, but we can't do anything about it! We tried!" Pickles said. "He just keeps saying that same shit."

"Speaking of 'that shit,'" Charles started.

"We don't know," Murderface said. "It'sh fucking annoying." He glared. Watching Nathan eat the Klokateer just made that nagging part of his brain get louder. It was giving him a headache.

"The foods must be bads or somethings," Toki said. "What else coulds it bes?"

"But I'm not actually hungry," Murderface said. "It's jusht that shtupid voice!"

"Hmm," Charles said, a contemplative look on his face. "Maybe it's got something to do with the psychological versus physiological aspects of the hunger." He said this mostly to himself, but he still got confused looks from the others.

"English, robot," Pickles said.

"It makes you not hungry but you still think you are," Charles simplified.

"That's… coulds make sense…" Skwisgaar said.

"Uh… guys?"

Everyone turned around to see Nathan, covered in blood, staring at his hands, a confused expression on his face.

"…what the fuck happened?"

"Oh, nothings, nothings at alls," Toki said. "We was just goings out for a little strolls—hey!" He was interrupted by a punch from Skwisgaar. He rubbed his arm. "Stop punches me, Skwisgaars…" He hugged his bear. "Jerk."

"Nathans. You ams eatings that guy," Skwisgaar said.

"Oh. Yeah," Nathan said. He looked down at what was left of the Klokateer. "Brutal."

"Clearly, we'll need to rethink things, if this is going to keep happening," Charles said.

"I, uh, I didn't lose control or anything," Nathan said. "I meant to do that. He, uh, he called me fat. Yeah. He did. And I couldn't just let him go, y'know, calling me fat. So I had to do it. Yeah."

"Yeah, rights, Nathans," Toki said. "Just likes I meants to kill all those peoples."

Nathan ignored him. "So, uh… what are we gonna do now?"

"How about eating and killing?" Murderface suggested, half-jokingly.

"Shut up," Pickles said. "That's what we _don't_ wanna do."

"You thought I was sherioush?" Murderface asked. "Aw, can't even make a joke without everybody jumping down your fucking throat!"

"What's going on here?" A Klokateer on patrol walked down the hallway, but stopped. "Oh, sorry, my lords," he said. "I… what?" He noticed everyone was staring at him intently. Almost… hungrily.

Charles saw the sudden change in the boys too. "You aren't thinking of doing what I think you are, are you?" he asked. "Because I definitely advise against it. That's not a good decision…" But it was no use. He could only watch as Dethklok ripped into their servant. It was all he could do to keep from joining them. But he managed. He could do that.

* * *

Dani, covered in blood, was backed into a corner. A tall man in a black leather jacket pointed a gun at her. She wasn't sure what was going on, but she knew there was food in front of her. She groaned and lunged, but the man shot.

She collapsed to the ground, most of her head blown away. The man took one last look at her, then turned around to leave. He felt a sharp pain in his leg and looked down to see a younger, male zombie chewing on his ankle.

"Fuck," he said.

* * *

"You can't keep doing this," Charles said. The members of Dethklok looked back at him blankly, blood smeared all over their faces, pieces of meat hanging out of their mouths, and he sighed.

"Got any ideas, robot?" Pickles asked. "Since you're so good at this?"

Charles facepalmed. He had mostly been lucky he could control it this time. But while he had at least some control, the band essentially had none at all. This was bad.

"Yeah, we're sorrys we hads to kills him," Toki said. "But he was rights theres, and..." He trailed off.

"Well, I guess we'll have to try a third time with the synthflesh," Charles said. Another round of firing scientists and finding new ones. This was getting old.

"Y'know what? I don't think it's gonna work," Pickles said. "Just a guess."

"So, what, we're just gonna keep killing people?" Nathan asked. "'Cause, that's brutal and all, but what happens when there aren't any more?"

"There's got to bes, whats, bajillions of peoples?" Toki said. "I thinks we're safes."

"Yeah," Nathan said. "But who's gonna buy our albums?"

Charles couldn't help but laugh a little at that. They were dead, but apparently they had their priorities straight.

"Shut up, robot," Murderface said.

Charles sighed. "Well, I'll find somebody to clean this up," he said. "Look, just try not to eat anyone else." He knew that was useless, that there was no way they'd listen to him, but it was the best he could do. He walked away.

* * *

Dani was gone, but Jeff didn't care. He didn't even notice, nor did he notice the group of zombies that followed him. He had one goal: food.

So did the rest of the group. Whenever he'd left enough of someone, they'd rise and follow, looking for prey of their own. And the mob just kept getting bigger.

Well, it mostly kept getting bigger. Every now and then a zombie would fall, its head blown away by something.

But of course the group didn't notice.

* * *

"So… what d'we do now?" Pickles asked.

"Here'sh an idea," Murderface said. "Let'sh, I dunno, go to the mall or shomething."

Everyone stared at him.

"But there's people theres!" Toki said.

"Yeah, and we're not, like, teenage girls," Nathan said.

"Exactly!" Murderface said. "Well, the people thing. I wash thinking, well, you know, short of, and I figure, why fight it? 'Caushe, sherioushly, we really shuck at trying to shtop eating people. Sho, we should jusht go for it."

There was silence for a few seconds as everyone thought that one over.

"Murderface, your idea's shit," Nathan said.

"I don't shee you coming up with a better one!"

"I hate t'say it," Pickles said, "but dude's got a point. I mean, why do we bother tryin' if we're just gonna kill people anyway?"

"Because we haves to trys," Skwisgaar said.

"But it doesn't works," Toki said. "You knows thats. We just eats everythings. Om nom noms."

"Shee?" Murderface said. "That'sh…" He made a face like he was concentrating. "Three to two." He held up four fingers. "We win!"

"That's fours," Toki said in a stage whisper, pointing to Murderface's hand.

Murderface rolled his eyes and lowered three choice fingers. "Sho, yeah, we should jusht do our jobsh. Our zombie jobsh." He nodded. "Eating people," he clarified.

"Hey, stops flips me offs," Toki mumbled.

"'C'mon, Nathan," Pickles said. "What else're we gonna do? We're kinda screwed either way."

Nathan thought for a moment, then nodded. "Yeah, you're probably right," he said. "But the robot's not gonna be too happy."

"Who shaysh he gotta know?" Murderface said. "We jusht get someone to drop us off wherever, tell 'em not to tell the robot. They have to lishten to ush."

"What, you got this whole thing planned out?" Nathan asked.

"Nah, jusht making it up," Murderface said.

* * *

Charles wiped the blood off his face, glad nobody was around to see that he had lost control. He wouldn't want them to think him a hypocrite. He walked back to where he had left the guys, but they weren't there. He checked the living room, then went to consult the security cameras. They were nowhere to be found.

Walking out, he accosted a Klokateer patrolling the hallway. "Okay, where are they?" he asked.

The hooded woman trembled slightly, remembering her colleagues that met terrible fates at the hands of zombie-Dethklok and Charles. It wasn't very brutal, being scared, but she couldn't help it. Ofdensen was pretty frightening. "They—they went to the mall," she choked out.

Charles sighed. Zombies at the mall. Leave it to Dethklok to act out a horror cliché. And knowing them, it would turn out to be just that. He had to try and intercept them before they did too much damage. Just like always. He turned to the woman. "Thanks," he said, turned around, and walked on, hoping he'd catch them in time.


End file.
